• Kat

3 Years Alcohol Free

It was the year 2017 - the BEST fucking year of my life; the year everything fell apart.

Have you ever held onto a secret? Held onto it so tight that you felt as though you were going to burst from the inside out, but in doing so your secret would be revealed? Of course you have, everyone has. You suffer in silence, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. I lived there for the better part of a decade, perhaps even longer. I always knew I had an issue with my relationship to alcohol, I just literally could not see a way to not have it in my life.

So the year everything fell apart - 2017. Alcohol had finally wormed its way into my daily life, from morning to night. It was as though someone poured black tar over my head and it seeped into every pore of my soul. It was like that recurring dream where you are trying to run away from someone who is going to hurt you but your legs won’t move. Fucking debilitating.

It was late summer of 2017, and my secret was no longer a secret; I could finally breathe the sweet air of freedom. But it was short lived. Because my secret was out, I had to be extra cautious of how I was going to drink because I still wasn't ready to quit. And so another secret began to form. And because I had tasted the sweet freedom of no longer holding onto something so tight that not only wasn’t serving me, but killing me as well, I knew there were only 2 ways out - a) quit drinking for as long as I have left on this earth OR b) kill myself or someone else.

November 25th, 2017 was the day it all stopped. Three years ago, the voice in my head telling me to swing a right into the liquor store parking lot stopped. Three years ago, the destructive feeling in my gut of self-harm and sabotage went away. Three years ago, the deep deep fucking sadness in my soul gave way. It literally ALL stopped that day. It came from strength I didn’t know I had and a deep desire to not want to die. Not today satan. I have much more work to do on this planet.

Honestly, sometimes I feel I’ve written and spoken about my story so much that even I am sick of hearing it. But then I remember that people are constantly fighting a battle within - if not with a dependency on alcohol, then another one nonetheless. Truthfully, I am lucky that mine was with alcohol, one that I could tangibly name and work with. Doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle, I just have different coping mechanisms at my disposal then turning to booze.

Each year I graduate to a new level of awareness. What I know now wasn't even on my radar three years ago, and in three more years, I can't even begin to imagine what I'll know and have experienced by then. None, let me repeat, NONE of this would have been possible should I still be drinking. And you know, the secrecy may have been the hardest part of all. That’s where the loneliness sets in and you feel as though no one understands, and that you will be judged for your actions. And sometimes you are. But no longer will I ever have to keep that secret, and now I am humbled to tell my story in hopes to inspire others who are struggling that things can change. Change CAN happen. Change DOES happen. And you are most likely STRONGER than you ever thought you were. - K

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